27 June, 2015
Posted by evita nuh at Saturday, June 27, 2015
22 May, 2015
Posted by evita nuh at Friday, May 22, 2015
16 April, 2015
Posted by evita nuh at Thursday, April 16, 2015
20 March, 2015
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. ~ Pablo Neruda
Just when I thought I escape from all of these awkward questions, he jab me with another question. "So really, no one?" I answered with hard nod "no one... that I'm sure of" He laughed again and ask more (well of course) "what do you mean? You need to tell me more..." I was thinking, there's no way I can escape this, he's too interested about my love life and my zero ability to lie isn't helping at all. "Well...There's this one guy... he's my neighbor's nephew, come here only for holiday. He's so quite and I like that about him, we only nod at each other every time we accidentally bumped to each other. I asked his name first when I was outside and he was taking his uncle's dalmatian for walk. You know when people told you that you will like guy who can give you comfort? or that some sort feeling? It's doesn't work like that for me, he feels like dark Japanese movie, so boring, slow, gloomy and quite, not many words and very minimal movement, but I like that about him. Story short we found out that we have similar taste on books, musics and movies. I love how he read books more than me, how we have different perspective on things, which is new to me, most of boys just always agree to whatever I'm saying. We debate about simple things like if "Lolita" word are found before or after Vladimir published his novel? Simple things like is Humbert Humbert love for Lolita is a sin or forbidden love? Is he a sick bastard or just poor old man? Things like that. We also shared things about our self, I found that his father is a professor, her mother is a housewife and her sister is temporarily stay in Indonesia for study and he come here to visit her sister. When he asked more about me, I asked him how long he will stay? he said only three weeks and then I shared all my deepest secrets because he will take it away back to his hometown and my secrets will be safe with him." I paused. You should see my Doc's face, he must be so confused because I talk so much. I take a sip of water. He told me to continue, so I did. "Week two... He called me Fuka Eri, -my very own Fuka Eri- that's how he called me, because he told me that it's like Murakami make that character based on me, funny because after that people keep telling me the same thing. He even asked me wear a long hair wig. One night, three days before he's leaving I told him, I think I like him..." I stop talking because I think that's all the story I need to tell, but my doc's so persistence and asked me to continue he so curious about his answer of course. "He just laughed at me, and messing up my hair... he told me... here's his words ~No you don't like me, you just like the idea of me, the idea of having boyfriend who will live thousand miles from you, so you don't have to deal with real romantic things, you don't have to deal with your friends nagging you to have boyfriend. If you really like me, you will cry right now asking me not to come home, but you are as cold as your true self to me. And don't you dare telling everybody that you have your broken heart because of me, because you are not, but I am, because I do like you and one day my Fuka Eri will be someone else's ~ Then I asked him, can I at least tell everybody about our story as my first summer fling and he said it's okay. I didn't go to the airport when he was leaving because I have school, but the night before he's leaving he give me a note, he wrote --I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too-- It's a poem by Pablo Neruda, never knew about him before and now it's one of my favorite."
Do you know what my doc's word? "wow" just wow said with a very low voice. He coughed a little and added "So do you like him?" I shake my head "I have no idea...Maybe he's right" he asked again "When he leave, are you sad? Or cry?" He takes his pen and paper, I hate it when he do that. "Sad, but no... I'm not crying"
He then give blablabla about I'm having a great progress and all that crap, if have summer fling a progress then when is the finish line? When I'm married? fantastic, just fantastic. He added "if one day you found the one, you should really come to me and tell me more about it..." I don't see why I should so... I asked why is that necessary, he answered "because in your case, once you found the one, you will most likely be extreme about it, you will show your feeling to your object of affection strongly and more noticeably than other people normally do, that's why I need to guide you, but don't worry this is normal for you." I laughed so hard because it sounds so stupid "Normal for me? But not normal for normal people? What do you think I will do? Stalking? build a worship table? Send creepy message -- If I can't have you, then nobody will -- " I swear from the look of his face he seriously think I might do that. "You may not go all there... but you might, well this is happen in many cases with people who have asperger... you will give him intense stare all the time, you also might keep calling him rapidly, which not really normal in our society... " If I'm a cartoon character you'll see my jaw drop to the floor, I can't believe he's serious. If you ask, do I worry about it? well I do, when you found out that you have high potential of being creepy stalker you'll understand.
He continue ( to torture me, hahaha) "So back to my first question... what's the answer?" I try to remember his first question, "what? how will I spend new year eve?" He shake his head and laugh "No.. I asked how's your love life? Is there's any?...." of course I'm confuse, I just give him details of my so called love life. "I just told you..." He cut my words "No... No... I asked is it boy? or girl? What is your preference" Of course I ask things you all might have in your head "What? Why do you ask that?" He answered "Well because, as female with asperger there is some traits that you might have, and one of them is you may have many androgynous traits, even in feminine one which you are not, they most likely will think their self as half male or half female or you can say, you see yourself as well balance anima or animus. So looking the way you're dressed (I'm wearing ripped jeans + leather jacket) of course it's intrigued me to ask, I just want to let you know it's all normal for you. So what is it? your preference? Boys or girls? " Oh, he and his curious eyes. Well this is interesting... "Hahaha... this will be another long story, do I have enough hour to tell you?"
~ To be continue to another post, because right now I'm to sleepy to tell the rest of my story, plus I need to ask someone first is it okay to share our conversation, just want to make sure I'm not violating any confidentiality agreement or something, hahaha.
Posted by evita nuh at Friday, March 20, 2015